Supporting Siblings in Families with Special Needs
When one child in a family unit has special needs (emotional, behavioral, developmental, physical, or illness related) it affects the entire family, particularly siblings. It is very easy and understandable for parents to become consumed with getting the child that displays the more critical difficulties the help that they need, unfortunately, this sometimes comes at the cost of the health and well-being of other children in the family. Disaster management and pure survival tactics dictate that the individual who is causing the most disruption, the high level of disturbance in the family unit, and needs the highest degree of care would consume the most mental and emotional energy from the parents. However, this can unintentionally leave other children in the family vulnerable to significant stress, anxiety, and pressure within the family system. When one child is experiencing a crisis, the other children MUST be supported and monitored too.
Specific Challenges for Siblings
Siblings of children with special needs are often deeply impacted by their brother or sister’s unique challenges. This begins from the time the sibling joins the family well into adulthood and beyond. Below are a few ways siblings can be impacted…
Too Much Responsibility
At varying times, one child’s problems may require other kids in the family to act older than their age. They may take on the role of their parent’s helpers in caring for the child with significant issues. They want to try to fix the problem for their parents. They may also believe that they have to be perfect, to not make mistakes, to not ask for help, to not get in the way, to figure things out on their own, so as not to be a burden to their already overwhelmed parents.
Stress and Anxiety
Siblings often worry about the child who is having a harder time. Especially if a sibling struggles with mental health issues such as self-harm or aggressive tantrum behavior, siblings can spend a lot of time anticipating the next meltdown, the next time they will have to leave a social situation or be embarrassed, the next time they won’t be able to do something like a “normal” family because of their siblings challenges. This can be extremely stressful and lead to anxiety and worry. Having a sibling with special needs can often be an isolating experience for the entire family. Siblings can often look at other families and feel like no one could possibly understand what their family is going through, that they are the only ones in these types of situations.
Support for Siblings
There are multiple ways to support and care for siblings of a child that has special needs, here a few suggestions.
Talk Openly About The Situation
Parents often try to shield and protect their other children from the situation with their sibling, but more often than not, this causes more harm and creates more confusion within the family system. It is imperative that parents clearly articulate what is going on with the sibling who has special needs and give the other children opportunities to ask any questions they may have. Parents MUST provide their children with multiple opportunities to share their concerns, fears, worries, and frustrations they may be having. It is also important to allow your children to help you in the decision making process (as age and developmental abilities allow). This gives them a feeling of being on the same team, being an important part of the family unit, and reassures them that you see them and value their opinions and perspectives when it comes to their sibling.
Build a Wide Support System
Don’t buy into the lie that as your child with special needs parent, YOU are the only one who can care for them adequately. Enroll them in after school programs, enlist the help of teachers/support that comes to your home during dinner time, ask family and friends to step in when necessary. Seek out therapy for YOURSELF as parents (apart from your child with special needs) and for your other children as well when you find it needed and necessary. Engaging in personal self-care and getting the necessary support that your family needs will help you as a parent to dedicate time to each of your children individually, allowing you to support each of your children in a more well-rounded manner.