Worry Work and How It Affects Women
Worry Work
Worry work or carrying the emotional load... both terms describe a constant, thrumming, low-level anxiety over the health and well-being of your children, and according to researchers, women tend to do more of the worry work than men do. It’s an endless list of organizational tasks that runs through your head like ticker tape: we’re out of milk, when do we need to apply for preschool, is the baby outgrowing her onesies, can't forget to schedule that doctor's appointment, are the kid's lunches packed for tomorrow... these seemingly invisible jobs that others don’t seem to track or recognize can feel suffocating, leaving many mothers feeling lonely, overwhelmed. How can you begin to address this problem?
Start the Discussion
Don’t assume that your husband should “just understand” or “get it done” without being asked. You have to start the discussion and it will be an ongoing discussion! Choose a calm moment (preferably when you both are well rested and have an uninterrupted opportunity to talk with one another) and tell your husband how you FEEL when you are overwhelmed with responsibilities and how you don’t want to feel that way. Use words like:
Anxious
Trapped
Burdened
Worried
Sad
Alone
Invisible
Ignored
Unappreciated
Distant
Don’t Point Fingers
You are BOTH responsible for the pattern of behavior that you find yourself in. Without realizing it people often fall into certain roles within a marriage or parenting relationship! It is important to be opened to understanding and identifying the dynamics of your relationship and each of your individual roles in it in order to move forward with positive discussions about the specific issues and pressures you are facing. Remember, you are on the same team!
Stop Doing Everything
You don’t have to do it all! What would happen if you allowed some things to fall to the wayside? Naturally, mistakes will be made, but there will also be learning opportunities for your partner AND for you. Don’t underestimate your husband’s ability to get things done! And just as you want to be acknowledge for all of the invisible tasks you accomplish day to day for your family, tell him and thank him when you see him taking on some of those tasks.
Why Do You Feel Responsible For Everything?
To some degree, all of our dysfunction serves a functional purpose in our day to day lives. Why do you feel that certain aspects of the emotional labor or mental load you carry is yours? Do you feel that your way is the best way? That no one understands your children or baby better than you do? That others couldn’t do what you do?
Ultimately, YOU are the only one that YOU can change. Even if you husband isn’t willing to change or take on some of the mental load tasks that you discuss, it is sill possible to alter the emotional labor imbalance. The great thing about relationship dynamics is that if one person changes, the couple changes. Focus on what you are capable of doing, how you can change, what is your responsibility and what is not, what drives you to do the things you are doing, and how you can have honest conversations with your spouse. While altering the dynamics and pressures of the emotional load that women carry may seem overwhelming and scary, change is possible!