Understanding and Overcoming Perfectionism
Perfectionism… a word so many of us praise but at the same time don’t want to admit we often struggle with. At its core, perfectionism is striving to attain unrealistic standards based on a sense of self-worth that hinges on the expectations of others. Perfectionism is ultimately rooted in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being an imposter, fear of getting it wrong, fear of someone seeing the real you, fear of being judged, fear of not knowing the answer, fear of failing, fear of effort, fear of it being too hard or too much. While the connection between perfectionism and anxiety is complex, perfectionism is often a sign of an underlying anxiety issue.
Perfectionism Affects Your Entire Life
If you struggle with perfectionism, it may take you longer than other people to complete seemingly simple tasks. You may avoid starting a task you don’t feel 100% confident in. Perfectionism can cause you to place unrealistic and unfair expectations on your loved ones, often resulting in added stress and pressure in the relationship. If you play sports or are involved in athletics (particularly individualistic sports like gymnastics or track), you may find that your tendency towards perfectionism is often exacerbated due to the fact that you are always competing against yourself. Your physical health can be impacted by perfectionism as well, including feeling compelled to stick to a rigidly healthy diet resulting in a variety of eating disorders. Even how you speak or write can be influenced by perfectionism! Perfectionism can cause you to speak very little or avoid writing for fear of making a mistake. You may also worry about your physical appearance, taking hours to choose what you will wear or how to style your hair that day. All of these forms of perfectionism can be debilitating and lead to significant impairment if not treated properly!
The Cycle of Perfectionism
The cycle of perfectionism begins innocently enough… You get a great idea, you plunge headfirst into a project, feeling emotionally excited about the new challenging you are taking on! There is an element of chaos in your new pursuit that only serves to ramp up your energy for this new project, you get to figure out a way to manage the chaos! Even this is intriguing and exciting to you! You rush to take action steps to execute your plan but everything seems to come to a screeching halt as the overwhelming feeling that every detail must be completed perfectly takes over. This is where the paralysis starts. The initial feelings of excitement quickly turn into feeling overwhelmed, sometimes without us even realizing it. Then we fall into the next phase of the cycle, procrastination. Procrastination kills our creativity and stifles our productivity, ultimately causing us to give up, then set new goals, maybe even decide to “try harder” next time, then the cycle begins again.
Breaking the Cycle
Brené Brown, a writer and research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, distinguishes between perfectionism and healthy behavior. She says, "Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth." She explains that perfectionism is used by many people as a shield to protect against the pain of blame, judgment, or shame. Here are some helpful things to consider as you can take to let go of your perfectionist tendencies and more towards healthier attitudes about your goals and standards.
Get in touch with the value of what you’re doing. What meaningful value does the task you are completing have in the grand scheme of your life? What does success look like in the “bigger picture”?
Don’t wait for conditions to be absolutely perfect to get started .
Accept that things will never be perfect.
Change your inner dialogue. Challenge your inner critic and learn to utilize self-compassion.
Focus on the positive. As a perfectionist you have “perfected” the skill of spotting mistakes in the best work of others and yourself
Enjoy the process instead of focusing only on perfect results.
If you are knee-deep in a vicious cycle of perfectionism and don’t seem to break out of it on your own, reach out for help. Together with your counselor you can work towards overcoming your anxious thoughts and perfectionist tendencies by creating healthier thought processes.